Whenever I am about to start writing one of these posts I am showered with wave after wave of anxiety. This threshold of actually starting, producing, and publishing is something I have struggled with for quite some time. Even though after every post (here and elsewhere), I am showered with feelings of self-worth and to some extent I regain the ability to give myself praise, albeit for a short while. So, let’s talk about my isolation problem. Right after this short message!
Sleep is for the weak. Thus I rarely sleep and have lost all control of my sleep schedule. New goal is to gradually turn back my sleep with 30 min / a day. One step at the time I will regain control.
As previously stated in a post (or at least I think I have said this), I live with my parents. We live rather offside out in the countryside of things. Because of this, it’s very hard to be spontaneous and meet people. I am an extrovert and recently I have been feeling extremely lonely. Isolation is a hard topic to talk about because of its personal nature. Every situation is different.
I am still at a loss on how I can improve this. In my city, there are no chess clubs, nerd clubs, and hardly even a cinema. It’s a barren middle of the road / nowhere little town that’s known for sports and a zoo. I have tried going on digital meeting grounds such as Discord but it takes so much energy to try to find a social circle on a whole new server. I feel stuck and utterly alone, which brings me to my next point of discussion.
Depression has been kicking my ass recently. After not getting yet another job I interviewed for I kind of spiraled. I have not been sleeping properly, exercising properly, or even eating properly (and I love eating). I have tried reaching out to get back into therapy but Sweden being the way it is I am currently waitlisted (no info about for how long). So when I am asked about how I am, I usually answer “alive”. Cause that’s kind of where I am at. I simply exist. I do my daily chores, send out job applications, and write a post here and there.
Knowing how much potential you have and yet not being able to have more than the occasional spurt of productivity is soul-crushing. I need to get out of this spiral. But I am not sure if it’s something I can do by myself.
This is my official reaching out. If anyone out there reading this and have any tips, tricks, or words of wisdom please reach out. I am not feeling suicidal, manic, or anything like that. Just very alone, depressed, and grey.
Regardless of what happens next, I will keep trying. I want to go from that zero to hero. Step by step, leap by leap. I just need to accept that I might not be able to do it entirely on my own.